You Can Always Change Your Mind
- Hayley Tharpe
- Jul 13, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 30, 2023
I. Introduction
One of the greatest concepts to grasp in your everyday life is that you are not your thoughts. This means that even though you may have a positive or negative thought that pops into your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make the thought true or mean that you have to agree with it.
This is one of the reasons why I love reading and teaching The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the first things that this life-altering book teaches is that an “agreement” is something that was taught or told to us, by ourselves or someone else, which we chose to accept and agree with. For example, if as a child, my second grade teacher told me that I was smart and I accepted and adopted this opinion about myself, then ever since then, I have held an agreement about myself that I am smart. Yet, although this is an example of a positive agreement that you can make with yourself, it still does not necessarily make it true. The grade-school teacher could have just complimented me in an effort to build her students’ confidence. On the other hand, for subjectively negative beliefs that we foster, the “100 Break-ups” Activity which I do in my coaching sessions asks my clients to identify the agreements which no longer serve them and then choose which ones they want to "break-up" with, or let go of, moving forward. It is amazing how many false opinions and self-limiting beliefs that we can acquire about ourselves over time; hence the reason that I chose the title, "100 Break-ups"
The essential takeaway as you read this article is that things can change, if you’re open to it. In other words, you can always choose to change your attitude about something. I am currently working to change the agreement that “I am not a morning person.” I have had this agreement since I was a child and it has affected my sleep schedule, my attitude about the mornings, and my overall mood in the mornings. But things can be different. In fact, now when I wake up early some mornings, particularly when I have a workout planned, I feel really great in the morning and throughout the rest of my day. I am choosing to no longer think a particular way even though that’s the way that it has always been.
II. Understanding Your Perspective
When faced with a change that we have to make for ourselves, it is essential that we first truly understand our perspective. This means that we should ask ourselves questions such as:
How strongly do I feel about this decision?
What has caused me to feel this way?
Is my perspective based on emotion, logic, or a balance of the two?
As we ask ourselves these questions, it is important that we reflect in order to understand our thoughts, and not to judge them.
Regarding the first question, understanding how strongly you feel about something, even if it means just rating the scenario on a scale of 1-10, is acknowledging that your feelings are valid. It is also accepting that we can still have thoughts and feelings that arise which are very real, but that does not mean that they are facts. And at any time, we can disassociate with thoughts and feelings that no longer serve us.
The second question is attempting to understand what has made you feel the way that you do. This means taking a moment to reflect on the history or reasoning behind your current opinions and beliefs. Taking another look at the source of your agreement gives you the opportunity to liberate your mind from the past and to find a reasonable pathway forward.
The final question asks whether your perspective is based on emotion, logic, or a balance of the two. A lot of times, people say that a decision was either made emotionally or logically. But in my opinion, to make a logical decision would be to also consider your emotional reasoning in conjunction with logic. For example, making a decision that makes financial sense but would cause you to become very unhappy in your personal life, is not indicative of a balanced and smart decision.
So, as you reflect on the above questions, do so with the intention to speak how you truly feel in order to fully understand your perspective; taking objective notes of your thoughts rather than judging yourself for how you feel.
III. Understanding Others' Perspectives
As you can then imagine, grasping the magnitude of your own stance and reasoning on a certain issue, can take time but allows you to more effectively advocate your position and/or change your mind when faced with a new or different perspective.
When I began my studies for my bachelor’s degree in philosophy, one of the essential skills I learned, which also then later prepared me for law school, is the ability to see multiple sides of an argument. Each individual person has their own unique background, experiences, morals, and expectations of life. Understanding this allows you to grasp that there is a perspective outside of your own. This is also taught in psychology as having an “open” or “growth” mindset versus a “closed” or “fixed” mindset. If you recognize signs of stubbornness within yourself when faced with a decision, it is crucial to realize that in life, things do change. In fact, change is inevitable and bound to happen at some point. Additionally, not every decision or perspective that you face has to be a debate. Pick your battles and know when to have the courage to admit when you are wrong. Never let your ego keep you from accepting the truth.
We all know that one of the most crucial aspects of maintaining a positive relationship or interaction with another person is communication. This means engaging in both sharing and listening. When we share, we want to do so by speaking from a place of truth and authenticity, which is why it is very helpful to first explore the above questions with yourself. However, we also want to listen to how the other person genuinely feels in an effort to understand their position towards the matter as well, rather than simply listening as a courtesy while you silently gather the next piece of information that you want to share with them.
Similar to the questions that you’d ask yourself, you can also ask the other person, or assess in your own mind, the following questions:
How strongly do they feel about this decision?
What has caused them to feel this way?
Is their perspective based on emotion, logic, or a balance of the two?
As to the first question, it is important to understand how strongly the other person feels about the present instance as it could be something superficial or it could be rooted in something much deeper which you have not yet considered.
Second, assessing what has caused them to feel the way that they do allows you to try and understand how they developed their perspective. Maybe they had an experience which you have not had before, or they have a piece of information which you are not privy to.
And finally, the last question gives you the opportunity to assess whether this decision appeals more to their logical or emotional side. Knowing which one is at play allows you to then know what arguments they are most likely and least likely open to hearing. A bonus tip is to encourage the other person, to make a decision balanced in both emotion and logic; doing so makes you a fair and kind communicator.
IV. Conclusion
Overall, sometimes, change is for the best. Being open-minded when facing conversations with yourself and with others ultimately allows you to grow. One of the most famous quotes by Socrates is, “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thi
ng, and that is that I know nothing.” Acknowledging that things may be different than you were previously taught, told, or experienced keeps you open to living in the present moment and acquiring more wisdom.
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